So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
