Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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