My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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