chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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