What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
