Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
