do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize