I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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