Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
