Whod you bang
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
