My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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