So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
