happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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