Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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