Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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