Moan for me like Helen Keller
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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