i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
