she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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