when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
