What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
