Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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