One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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