You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
