I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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