No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
