I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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