There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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