My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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