why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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