Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
