I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
