Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
