I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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