I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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