he told me I talked like a deaf person
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
