Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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