On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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