I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
