Me. At least after what I've been through.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
