I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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