If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
