I didn't shave. On purpose
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Someone shattered a urinal.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
