Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Sober January is a disaster.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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