I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
