East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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