They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
