The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
