I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
