I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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