I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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