just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
