the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
