Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
