operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize