My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
