Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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