You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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