i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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