one might say we're banned from that church
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
