Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
