I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
