Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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