I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
