so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
