There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
