It's Friday. Sex?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize