So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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