Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
